All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

Festivus for the Restivus!