All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.