All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.