It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.