I love advertising because I love lying.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!