Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.