Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.