Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.