Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.