What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?