If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.