Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."