Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
Jim GaffiganManhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.
Jim GaffiganI really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
Jim GaffiganLife is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyโre attractive, you think, โOh, theyโre nice,โ but if a strangerโs ugly, youโre like, โWhat do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
Jim GaffiganDo you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
Jim Gaffigan