When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'