When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?