Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.