There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.