Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?