Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.