Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a prevailing conventional wisdom that I think is really wrong. That's not to say that television writers aren't great, but I think that the belief that some comedy writer's going to be able to capture your voice is naive.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.