The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a prevailing conventional wisdom that I think is really wrong. That's not to say that television writers aren't great, but I think that the belief that some comedy writer's going to be able to capture your voice is naive.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"