My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.