Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?

Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.