The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.