The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

I love standup comedians. I really do.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'