My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.