My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.