My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.