You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.