You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.