You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.