The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
We tend to outdo ourselves.
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"