Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.