I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'