I just want to be known as funny.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.

I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?