I just want to be known as funny.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I don't understand the fashion industry and the appeal of it. I understand that there are some people who think it's important to them, and they're designers, they're artists, but there seems to be a disproportionate amount of our culture that's caught up in that and the red carpet stuff. It seems like there's a disproportionate amount of attention placed on that.

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.