I just want to be known as funny.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.