I just want to be known as funny.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.