I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?