I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.