You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.