You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

I would say that now I'm somebody who goes to church.