You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.