What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.