You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.