You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.