Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.