Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.