Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.