I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

I love standup comedians. I really do.

There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.