You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.