I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."