Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.