Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.