Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
Jim GaffiganYou can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
Jim GaffiganWe are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, โWell, at least I am not as weird as you,โ and I am thinking, โWell, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,โ and the people in the loony bin are thinking, โWell, at least I am an orangeโ.
Jim GaffiganI'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
Jim Gaffigan