I don't want people to think I believe in God.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.