I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?