Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."