Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.