Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.