Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.