I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.