Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."