I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.