I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."