Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of - at least for me, there's some kind of idea of control.

There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?