Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when I feel like I have this manufactured belief that I should be doing something else or there should be some type of recognition. On an intellectual level, I know it's stupid.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.