Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.