Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Cancer is always funny.

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.