Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.