There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.

Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.