There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.