Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.