Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.