If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.